my walk with god

I think about death frequently. Often times, it’s not by choice. There will be a trigger and my mind goes down a rabbit hole. Weirdly, this will even happen when I’m happy and with the people I love.

Life is impermanent. So I imagine what my life would be like without my family and friends. I panic. Does heaven exist? Will I ever see them after this life?

If there is no afterlife, what happens? Do our souls just disappear into the dark abyss of the universe?

Flash forward 10 gazillion years later. In the grand scheme of life itself, its as if we never existed.

If it’s as if we never existed, what’s the point of life? Why did god give us life if we’re just going to die?

An overwhelming feeling of anxiety, emptiness and loneliness takes over me. I’m free falling into darkness.

To pull myself out, I force myself to think of something else. I begin to observe my environment and take everything in. Reset. Life begins again.

This is a glimpse of how my mind, heart and soul works. Lots of over-thinking and over-feeling. Imagine this extreme for every aspect of my life whether it be health, relationships, career, finance, spirituality, etc.

I am naturally forward-thinking. I struggle to stay present.

Stuck in my own head. Analysis paralysis. It’s exhausting.

To avoid these uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, I take action in an attempt to move faster than the speed of my thoughts.

This is why I can be a workaholic and why I like to stay busy. As opposed to staying still and pontificating on the meaning of life.

I’m trying to squeeze everything I possibly can out of life before I die, because life is short.

I am an impatient person. I like to move fast.

However, in this season of life, god is forcing me to be patient and slow down.

Recently, I completely tore my left ACL (for a second time). Now, I need surgery and months of post-op treatment. I can no longer play basketball, a sport I love deeply. All my travel plans cancelled.

Even from a macro-economic level, interest rates are high, operators are tightening their budgets, investors are deploying less capital and the job market sucks. Not many moves to be made.

Despite all of these limitations and roadblocks, I’ll still fall back to my default and try to accelerate. Someway. Somehow. But its an uphill battle that I’m tired of fighting. I don’t want to swim upstream anymore. I just want to flow.

God is breaking me down. Chipping away the walls I’ve built. Tapping into the core of my soul.

Quite the self-discovery journey I’ve been on. In this pursuit, I’m identifying what’s no longer serving me and cutting those out. I’m finding my purpose and values. I’m aligning with what’s worth dying for.

My north star is shining brighter, yet the path ahead is unpaved.

At times, I’m afraid and insecure of traveling through unchartered territory. Though my natural tendency is to sprint and escape obscurity, I’m fighting this urge and getting comfortable with being uncomfortable.

In this next chapter, I’m choosing to take one step at a time in my walk with god.

Presence > Future. Patience > Speed. Faith > Fear.

I’m accepting who I am and staying true to god’s design.